chapter one

by boyscout thriller

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jaclyn this is sikk Favorite track: lavenderless.
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released February 11, 2016



all rights reserved


boyscout thriller Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

based in Western MA // // THEY/THEM // // // // // // // // // // // //

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Track Name: autumn pause
nobody’s in my nothing home
my soul checks out when I’m alone
take my meds make some coffee
and then it might come back to me

residing in a stone cold tomb
compares not to my mother’s womb
it’s freezing here and I can’t think
I brainwashed myself in the sink

my room instills an ineffable fear
my bed lacks blankets, pillows, sheets
I wasted myself in this house for seventeen years
erasing all my memories
Track Name: torn up shoes
I am grounded

I am safe

I won't let myself


please just call me

if you feel blue

try to ignore

your torn up shoes

because I’ll take them

throw them away

and you’ll get new ones

and forget my name

but honestly that’s a good thing

if it means
beloved friend

that you will never

live in those shoes again
Track Name: lavenderless
you wander my dreams at night but I'm the one who is lost
I’ll think it's love even if I don't want it

I’m just a game to you
play me whenever you want
I was free and yours

none of my clothes have touched you now
shower twice a day, raw skin is lavenderless
11:25, unspoken, callous
I must cradle my own body in my own arms now

if on halloween I dressed up as us
half my body would be invisible
I’d be holding crutches and you could kick them over

I thought I was your jailbird
I thought I could sing for you
I thought I was not afraid

none of my heart will let you touch me now
breathing in and out, the air is lavenderless
no candy-coating the sweet sad truth that
I must cradle my own body in my own arms now

! ! !! ! ! !!! ! !! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Track Name: cliff
waiting for myself to leave me
everyone else already has
I was born to suffer here
I was born to die

I was born to live a lie

puking up my own food my own blood
puking truth is ritual

responsibilities and obligations are created by institutions and are obviously detrimental to the health, both mentally and physically of most students
they create sensations which I do not have to endure should I choose not to
by mere principle of being an adult I do not have to be here, but my ambivalence towards obligation and my future is forging this path for me anyways
I hate the concept of success so much that i want to push it off a cliff, but I am so fucking attached to it that I want to run like hell to catch it at the bottom of it